Communication, resolutions

To the Young Married Who Can’t Make Friends

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Today I want to write about something that I’ve been struggling with lately. This frustrates me so much because I never used to have this specific struggle while I was growing up. But since I’ve been a married woman, I have such trouble making and keeping friends! Why? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Here’s the thing: Married people need friends just as much as single people do. (Okay, maybe not QUITE as much, since married couples have each other.) But my point is: people who are married need friends other than their spouse. Your spouse should be your best friend, and hopefully you prefer spending time with him or her over anyone else. But what about when your spouse is working? Or when you are working? What about when you’re a young mom or dad running around like a chicken with its head cut off, day-after-day? Every person needs support, love, encouragement, and FUN from peers and friends.

When my husband and I were first married, we felt like it was hard to make friends. “It makes sense”, we thought. “We’d rather hang out with each other anyway, so it’s all good!” I still mostly feel this way, I really do. I’d rather hang out with my husband any day or night! But I’m frustrated that after a few years of marriage, the hubs and I still feel this way! And let me tell you something else: I feel like I really try. I really try to put myself out there and to be friendly. I try to do play dates, lunch dates, etc. And sometimes these plans do work out. But much of the time, they don’t.

Look, I get it. We’re all busy. Whether it’s jobs, school, husbands, wives, kids, church, or household responsibilities, we all probably wish we had more hours in a day. But I believe that fulfilling, long-lasting friendships with our peers can help us maintain balance in our lives.

What do I want, as a young wife and mom? I want someone to talk to. I want someone who I can text and who will text me back. I want someone who I can call without needing a reason to call. I want someone who can hang out at my house with my family and be part of our lives. This person doesn’t have to have kids like me, or kids my kids’ ages. I just want us to feel like we need each other. I don’t want to feel like I’m putting my heart into the friendship while deep down feeling like the person doesn’t actually need me in their life.

Am I the only one who has this problem? I’m probably needy and probably overly sensitive and I know I tend to take things too personally. But being a parent to little ones is hard. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the work of raising our children. I need and crave strong girl friendships.

Oh, and I want to add one more thing: If someone you interact with on the daily and who you act like you care about in person requests to follow you on social media, follow them back. People acting like they like me to my face but showing that they don’t actually care enough about me to mutually follow my life on social media is a quick and surefire way to put me in a bad mood. I hate that this is a thing for me, because it’s so dumb and shouldn’t be a big deal. But I just think it’s rude, and it hurts my feelings, okay?!

So, to you young wives and you young moms out there, know that you are not alone! You are fun, smart, and good. Even though it may be tempting to think that your unmarried friends may be having more fun, remember that you are living the dream! Don’t give up. Remember that you are an individual, as cliche as that sounds. 🙂 Remember that you were a girl, a friend, and a girlfriend before you were a wife and a mom. If you struggle, like me, to have deep girl friendships at this time in your life, keep trying. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep trying to put myself out there. I’m going to try to love people and be kind. I’m going to try to not take things too personally, even when people hurt my feelings. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to hurt others.

I think I’m going to read some books about making and keeping friends. Here are some that look interesting to me:

Craving Connection

Never Unfriended

Friendships Don’t Just Happen

Does anyone have advice on making new and lasting friends while also adulting through life? I’d love to hear it!!

 

1 thought on “To the Young Married Who Can’t Make Friends”

  1. I thought about who my friends have been over the years, and what made the friendship work. Obviously when I’ve met someone with similar interests, or that was fun to hang out with, I was more drawn to them. But the people I have become the best friends with are the ones I have been most vulnerable around, or seen them in a period of vulnerability. The lady I met and became instant best friends with as we frantically tried to paint her house before they moved in (didn’t hurt that she also had six boys, and understood the level of chaos that is a constant in my house). The friend who took me in when I lost my housing suddenly right before leaving on my mission. The sister who invited us over for dessert after we moved in, and then let me come and do laundry at her house all Saturday because I couldn’t figure out how to hook up my washing machine. The group of sisters in one ward who would get together every week to do a project at someone’s house. The people I have served, or who I have allowed to serve me, have become my dearest friends.

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